OMGWTFBBQ!
by Alcyone23
Summary: The really bad, absolutely horrible, astoundingly stupid fic. Rated T for safety.
1. Chapter 1

Disclimre: So this is like not mine. If it was I wuld be croosing in the bAhams with Johnny Depp! (Johnny is so hot!)

Author Note: He dudes! So this is like my first time writng a fic so be nice. It may not very good but if you like may be I'll ad another chapter kay? And i wont ad anther chappy until I get 5 revs hahahhhahah

SO here it is!!1

**OMGWTFBBQ!!1!!1**

Bella wakes up late since Eduardo wa sout hunring. she flnigs herslef out of bed and runt o the bathroom. She locked the lok and through herslef into the shower. Eduardo is hunting so he didnt wake her up on time (**AN**-Edwardo should die!! BellaxJacob 4-ever!!)

She towel off with her towl when Ewardo beeps his horn. She runs out of the house bottoning up her shirt and runs to the acr. Õwhy didn't u wake me up"

"I was hunting' I says.

They argiu all te way to skool until Eduardo turn and look at her. I make my eyes go all glittery and she immedetealy on her kness saying sorry. they maek out al; teh way to skool where they meet Alice. Aliice is a vampire and she can see the future. Eduardo is also a vampire

he can read minds/ At night they fot other evil vampires and and at day they pretended to be human.,

"Hey BElla1 Alice scaermed. Before b bounding over and hugging her. I see Beella turn blue. I grab Alice and shove her away. "Shove off Alice."

Alice whips her long mane of heir into my face. "Whatev. Loser loser double loser." There's tw0o new students coming today. And He's really gorgeous!"

"reallyÕ bella exclaim.

They walk to homerrom whre the new students is. Their twins but they don't look equivalent. The girl has burnished silver hair and hazy emerald eyes. She had en extic birkmark on her neck and she smelled like passshonateJAzmines. She was thinner than an anorexic but she looked really hot. she was a supermodel/diplomat. He had smoky azure eyes and shadowed bronze hair cut ina disheveled look that fell in his eyes sexily. He was an expert pilot/ and stunt driver and had an intriguing scra. They was also was also Sirius Black's niece and nefew and Captain Kirk's lovee-children. They also had a tattoo of a vampiric looking wolf on their elbow that was really really cool.

"Hello' the guy said ina sexy foreign accent. "Call me Ishmael. But my friends can call me Hunter" he says his sexy foreign accent making all the girls hearats beat faster.

"Ad Im Gabriella (**AN**-THAT'S MY NAME!!1) de Smytheford' the girl said loking at Eduardoi with her eyes. All the guys were droling at her especially Eduardo. They sat n the middle of the entire class and bella Edurado and Alice immediately started talking to them interestedly.

What they didn't know was that Gabriella dn Hunter wereactually the only livinddescendants of the only half-vampire, half-werewolf specie so they got to keep their eye color. But when they were angry their eyes turned black. They were alos really powerful but they didn' know all of their powers yet. And no they weren't really brothers tht was their cover. They were actually lovers but didn't want anyone to know so they dated other people.

In the classes they got all the anssrews riught, besting Eduardo and Aloce.

They wre wlking together to lunch when all ofa sude Victoria appeared!

"IÕm here1' she cacled. She hasd w/ her these 2 vamps. One had 8 count em 8 hands and spit this weird white thing from his mouth. The other had scaly wings and ribbitted. "you killed my mate so I'll jill urs!!1'

The spiderish vamp jumps Alice spraying goo and trappin her in a wite web goo. The other 1 jump BE;;a but Eduardo pushes her to the floor and he's wrapped in the vamp's anaconda tongue.

"Eduardo! Aloce!" Be;la scraem ontuched.

"Be;;a run!!111' Eduradpn says.

Then, all of the sudden, the twins' elbows tsrat glowing and the vampirical wolf jumps from their elbows onto the florr.

"Qyuick! Remememember ur past!" It scrims nad Gabriella dn aHunter remember EVERYTHING.

Gabriella concentrates and her burnished silver hair turns into daggers that stab throughn the spidervamp goo. The vamp screams and turns to see a silver wold growling at him before jumping him und tearing him to pieces. She turns becak to human form and concentrates again so that the pieces burst into big, huge, hellish flames!!1

Hunter levitates the other vamp with his uber power and uses the Force to taer him to pieces. Gabriella again conecntartes and it burst into fklames too!!1111

But Victoria raches bella and and stabs her nails into her ulngs. Be;;a dies. Eduardo and aloce start craing but Gabriella and Hunter join hands and forces to do a reaaly cool necromancy and bring bella back to life using Victoria as the sacrifice. Gabriella and Hunter saed the day!

Then eveveryone had to go back yto the cullenz to celebrate and after they old everyone the story Carlis disaided that Gabriella and Hunter could stay with them. And since they were so excited after the story and 2 count em 2 new family emebers all they wanted to do was each other. Jasper took a still-goo covered Alice to the river. Rosalie ad Emmet locked themselves in their room with a portable cherry-flavored lube dispenser and esme ran to Carlis's office where she dressed up as kinky nurse so they could play doctor.

Eduardo turned to Bella. 'mArry me. That way u ca be a vamp ad ull be safe from crazies like Vicky whats her name.'

"Eduardo I love u. I never want to leave you again/ my heart is yours 4ever" so then Eduardo grabs her heart and they rip off their clothes and had wild monkey sex. Eduardo started into her eyes as they came. Then Gabriella and Hunter joined in cause they are the world's greatest lovers and they had a wild penguin sex quartet.

MoRaL oF tHe StOrY: aLl GoOd ThInGs EnD iN sEx.

AN-So that's my fic. Please review and don't flame.. Thankies for reading, bibi!

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REAL author's notes:

For anyone wondering why the hell I decided to write something so blatantly bad, you can blame my friend. During homeroom, I gave her a story I was working on for her to read and she liked it. Of course, I milk it for all its worth and tell her that of_ course_ she's going to like it because there's no way in hell I can write something bad. So then she dares me to write something horrible. DOUBLE DOG dares me.

So, here is a lovely piece of…something. I decided to write something bad, prove he wrong and mock badfic authors for all they're worth (which is very, very little). By the way, you have no idea how HARD it is to misspell when Spell Check actually tries to CORRECT the words FOR you. And no, my real name is not Gabriella. Not even close.

Now, I am going to clean my hands of this fic with a nice bottle of vodka. Anyone who would like can join because either you have incredibly high thresholds for pain (admirable) or you have no life (very sad). And if anyone would like to MST it, go right ahead as long as I get a link to it later. Something good has to come from this. As always, all flames are welcome especially for this. Those will just be hilarious.

And now, excuse me, while I go get myself completely blind.


	2. Part Deux

**REAL author's notes**: I never thought I would be doing this which goes to show you my clairvoyance is rusty—at best. Here is the long-awaited (cough) second installment to OMGWTFBBQ. Our author (let's call her Jane even though she says her name is Gabriella) has just returned from remedial English where she has miraculously improved her spelling.

_Just_ her spelling.

Sadly, she still requires remedial geography, biology, anatomy, logic and creative writing.

I already have a headache from the plotlessness and rampaging Mary Sue and Gary Stu. Don't drive me to alcoholism by asking me to misspell everything as well.

And yes, her e-mail remains omgwtfbbq (at) eyetwitchfullblownseizure (dot) com

**Real Disclaimer**: Twilight does not belong to me. Any resemblances of characters, actions, plot (what plot?) is completely on purpose and they belong to their original authors. I'm not getting any money from this, just rum. Here's a challenge for the readers: Whoever can name the most stories, movies and people I'm parodying (or just mentioning) will get…something. Maybe cookies. With vodka. Lots and lots of vodka.

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**OMGWTFBBQ!! Part Deux**

Jane's Notes: Oh my Gd! You guys reviewed so much! SO here is the next chappie as promised. Now I won't update until I get fifteen reviews! HA!

Disclaimer: It's not mine. I want to cry.

Summary: I suck at summaries! Just read!

Last time on OMGWTFBBQ!: Bella died. Gabriella and Hunter, the hottest and coolest twins on the planet, did this cool necromancy trick and brought her back to life by killing Victoria. Shyeah. Then, they all moved into the Cullens' because Bella's house blew up and Gabriella and Hunter showed everyone they were better lovers than Casanova.

(AN-Heath Ledger is SO hot! But he's mine! So there!)

Story begins:

(Bella POV)

"Oh my Gd don't you just love my new Prada backpack! It's whelming! So Eduardo what do you wanna do later? Bella asked me.

"I don't know" I said.

(Eduardo POV)

"Oh my Gd don't you just love my new Prada backpack! It's whelming! So Eduardo what do you wanna do later? I asked him.

"I don't know he said."

They were suddenly interrupted as Hunter and Gabriella ran to them. Gabriella de Smytheford is the most beautiful girl in the world. She has burnished silver hair and hazy emerald eyes. She also had an exotic birthmark on her neck and she smelled like passionate Jasmines. She was thinner than an anorexic but she looked really hot. Hunter's real name was Ishmael and he always introduced him self as "Call me Ishmael. But my friends call me Hunter." He had smoky azure eyes and shadowed bronze hair cut in a disheveled look that fell in his eyes sexily. He also had an intriguing scar. They were Sirius Black's niece and nephew and Captain Kirk's love-children. They also happened to be vampires/werewolves because Captain Kirk (a vampire) did the woo-hoo with Oscar (a werewolf).

"The most disgusting man has just showed up" Gabriella stated when she stopped before them, her hair pushed back by the wind and her eyes changing colors.

"It's the Volturi!" Hunter said, running a hand through his air making Jessica and Lauren have a heart attack from pleasure.

"Fucking shit me!" Bella said! "Exactly" Edward said. We have to talk to Carlisle!" They all ran out into the sun but Carlisle's car was already there! Alice got out brushing her long hair away from her face!

"Hurry up. We gotta go!"

"But I have like a facial appointment at two that I totally like cannot miss and I need to like get a manicure like later!" Rosalie whined. Gabriella glared at her.

"Shut up bimbo and move over. Hunter, you drive!"

Rosalie huffed but move to the side. Emmett stuck his face to the glass of window, making face.

"Look Rosie I made a clown!"

"Don't you like touch my hair! I just like blow-dried it!"

Carlisle said "Wait! Hit the brake you'll crush that butterfly!"

Esme said "Who cares about a stupid butterfly; kill it!"

Jasper who is a total nerd said "That's not just a butterfly. It's a Monarch butterfly as you can tell from its purple colors!' he pushed his glasses up his nose.

"Loser," alice said. "Oh look at the mall! Let's shop there for a while!"

Hunter, Gabriella, Bella and Edward looked at each other.

We're dealing with idiots, _Bella thought._

I know, _Edward thought back._

The Volturi are coming closer, Hunter thought.

I have a plan! Gabriella thought. Eduardo, Bella and Hunter leaned closer and smiled when they heard the plan. It was fool-proof!

Gabriella knocked out Rosalie and dressed her in Bella clothes. Then she did the same to Emmett and they chucked them out of the car along with Jasper (cause he was a nerd) Alice (cause she had _no_ sense of fashion) and Carlisle and Esme (who were just annoying). They also threw out two scarecrows dressed like Emmett and Rosalie to make the Volturi think they had all of them.

Then, they traveled to an inn on Mulberry Elm Street in the small Massachusetts town of Derry. When they were in their room the power went out so Bella said she would go check it out. When she went down, her evil STEPFATHER Phil was waiting for her and he abused her. Eduardo found her and while he was crying for her, Gabriella and Hunter changed shape to their wolf shape and hunted Phil down and killed him.

Then they went back and Eduardo told them the news:

Bella was pregnant.

MEANWHILE WITH THE VOLTURI:

Look Master. They're there defenseless" Jane smiled.

"Oh yay me!" Aro sang clapping his hands quickly. "Felix, Demetri, Heidi, Caius, FETCH!"

They ran forward and attacked the Cullens and scarecrows (but they didn't know they were scarecrows).

"---and seriously Aro, this is stupid. We traveled all this way for nothing. At least let me stop at a mall and change! I'm still dressed in the same robes as always—"Marcus babbled.

"DO YOU EVER SHUT UP?!"

BACK AT THE INN ON MULBERRY-ELM STREET:

Bella had given birth to a boy but she wouldn't stop bleeding.

"If you want to save her" said Gabriella to Eduardo "You have to bit her."

"But her soul"

"Is currently bleeding to the floor. Are you going to leave her child orphaned" Hunter accused.

So Edward bit her. And three days later, she was a vampire. And the four of them formed the most powerful coven in the world, usurping the Volturi and establishing their own dictatorship in Krakatoa. Bella's power was to change shapes and when her kid grew up and was bitten as well he had the power to annoy to death so he was sent to Timbuktu.

And so, the two vampires and the two vampires/werewolves lived happily ever after with many sexy times.

**Janes' End notes:** So that's lyk the end. If I get fiteen reviews I'll make the sequel!

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**Alcyone's End Notes:** I'm done. I'm not touching this anymore, not even with a thirty four and a half foot pole. And I will NOT do a sequel. _That_ you can bet your soul on.


End file.
